posted 06-12-2006 11:10 PM               

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The Apollo Who's Up First?

Abbey: Well, Costello, I'm going to Houston with you. You know Bob Gilruth, the Director of the Manned Spacecraft Center? He gave me a job selecting the astronauts for the first moon landings.

Costello: Look, Abbey, if you're going to pick crews you must know all the astronauts.

Abbey: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know, I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's going to the moon.

Abbey: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these astronauts nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbey: Strange names; pet names ... like Dr. Rendezvous.

Costello: His sister, Miss

Abbey: Missed Rendezvous?

Costello: And their Italian cousin ...

Abbey: Italian?

Costello: Luna

Abbey: Ah, Luna Rendezvous. Well, let's see who we have so far on Apollo 11 and 12. First, Neil, then Buzz and then Chuck.

Costello: Kneel, Buzz and then Chuck?

Abbey: That's right.

Costello: I don't care who they are, I ain't gonna kneel for anyone, let alone buzz and then chuck.

Abbey: No, no ... Neil up first

Costello: Huh! Don't you mean kneel down?

Abbey: No, dammit, it's Neil up first!

Costello: You can't! You say kneel up first? That can't be done!

Abbey: Why not? Have you ever heard of Armstrong?

Costello: Hang on - you talk about kneel up, and then you talk about strong arms? Isn't it kneel down with two legs?

Abbey: No, he's with Buzz. That's his name!

Costello: So, do you want Buzz on the crew or Buzz off?

Abbey: Buzz off.

Costello: Buzz off yourself; I ain't gonna kneel.

Abbey: Don't forget about Buzz.

Costello: If I ain't gonna kneel, I'm sure as all crap not gonna buzz for you!

Abbey: No, no - it's Neil and Buzz up first, then maybe Chuck 'n' Al.

Costello: Why are you chuckin' Al? What did he do?

Abbey: Nothing - I just need a Chuck up.

Costello: Well you'd better find the men's room in a hurry before we leave for Houston.

Abbey: Why?

Costello: Well, if you want a chuck-up first ...

Abbey: No, Neil first!

Costello: I ain't gonna kneel!!

Abbey: Then you prefer Buzz off first?

Costello: I sure as heck ain't gonna want to Buzz off before we get to Houston.

Abbey: No, Neil and Buzz. They're up first.

Costello: I give up. So where does the first crew land?

Abbey: There's a sea in Tranquility ...

Costello: Hold it, hold it. There's no C in Tranquility. There's a Q.

Abbey: What're you taking about - there's no line-up for the first mission yet. I'll let them know who I've picked when I'm ready!

Costello: No, I mean there's no C in Tranquility. T-R-A-N ...

Abbot: Ah, I get your drift, but it's a sea on the moon.

Costello: A sea on the moon? What sea on the moon?

Abbot: There are lots of seas on the moon.

Costello: As in water?

Abbot: No, there's no water on the moon.

Costello: Then what's this about seas?

Abbey: I just said, there's a sea in Tranquility.

Costello: There's no C in Tranquility; just like there ain't no seas on the moon.

Abbey: Of course there are.

Costello: I can't see them.

Abbey: No, half full is the best time to see them.

Costello: Half full?

Abbey: That's right - half full.

Costello: If I can't see them sober, I sure as hell ain't gonna see them if I'm half full!

Abbey: No, I mean the moon's half full.

Costello: Half full of what?

Abbot: No, I mean when it's half full.

Costello: Half full of what!?

Abbot: Now I wish I was half full! Never mind. We'll soon have someone called Neil on the moon.

Costello: Called what?

Abbey: Waddya mean?

Costello: You said someone called ... kneel on the moon

Abbey: That's right.

Costello: Look - who's gonna be first on the moon!

Abbey: Neil

Costello: I ain't kneeling for nobody! Okay, so who's second on the moon?

Abbey: Buzz.

Costello: What for?

Abbey: No, Buzz Aldrin

Costello: Why should I buzz Aldrin?

Abbey: Because he's second on the moon

Costello: Maybe Neil will buzz this Aldrin guy?

Abbey: No, I mean his name is Buzz Aldrin!

Costello: Who?

Abbey: The guy up second.

Costello: After who?

Abbey: No, not Who - Neil.

Costello: I'm not gonna beg and I'm not gonna Neil. I'm sick of this. Okay - then who's third on the moon?

Abbey: Chuck

Costello: No, I'll be okay. Who's third?

Abbey: Chuck

Costello: I told you, I don't feel like I wanna chuck

Abbot: No - It's Chuck after Buzz

Costello: Isn't that what I said? But I'm not gonna buzz anyone and then Chuck. Okay, forget it - which mission commander has the best crew for the last mission to the moon?

Abbey: I think I like Gene's best.

Costello: I don't care what you like to wear; just answer my question! Which crew will be the last to fly to the moon?

Abbey: I like Gene's!

Costello: I'm not here to discuss what you like wearing, for Pete's sake.

Abbey: Actually, you're right - it's Pete, not Chuck up third

Costello: We're back onto chucking up?

Abbey: No, not Chuck up. It's Pete.

Costello: Pete who?

Abbey: Chuck, if you prefer.

Costello: I told you I don't wanna have a chuck up!

Abbey: Well NASA does, on Apollo 12!

Costello: NASA wants someone to be sick on Apollo 12?

Abbey: No, they just want a Chuck up there.

Costello: Isn't that what I said! I'm feeling a bit faint now - it's all a bit of a haze.

Abbey: No, Haise follows Chuck 'n' Al

Costello: I thought you said you weren't chuckin' Al? Did he do something wrong or maybe go somewhere he shouldn't have gone? Where's Al been?

Abbey: He's in Houston

Costello: No, I mean where's Al been?

Abbey: I told you - Houston!

Costello: He's been in Houston all this time?

Abbey: He's Bean everywhere this week, you dope!

Costello: If he's been in Houston, how is it he's been everywhere this week?

Abbey: He's only human, I guess.

Costello: So he's a human bean?

Abbey: Precisely!

Costello: Okay, I'm not going anywhere near that. But I notice from their photos that these Apollo astronauts are all much older men - are any of them young?

Abbey: Yes, John

Costello: My name ain't John. Are any of them young?

Abbey: Yes, John is

Costello: John is what?

Abbey: Young!

Costello: That's what I'm asking! Of the twelve Apollo astronauts to land on the moon, are any of them young?

Abbey: Yes!

Costello: Yes, who?

Abbey: Young.

Costello: I feel like we're goin' in circles here. Okay - just tell me the surname of the commander of the last crew!

Abbey: Cernan

Costello: Yes, of course I'm certain - who is he?

Abbey: It's Cernan

Costello: It's certainly who?

Abbey: Look, I'm sick of this conversation. Do you want to know who the last crew is or not?

Costello: So tell me - who do you think will be the last Apollo crew to go to the moon?

Abbey: I like Gene's

Costello: Here we go with the jeans again!! Sheesh! Okay, I'll play your little game one last time.

Abbey: Okay, just give me one sensible question about the last crew.

Costello: Alright; have you given much thought as to who will be the last man to set foot on the moon?

Abbey: Yes

Costello: You've given it a lot of thought?

Abbey: Yes - Jack Schmitt

Costello: You mean you haven't picked someone yet?

Abbey: Yes

Costello: Well if you've picked someone, then you HAVE thought about it. So when you go to NASA and they ask if you've selected someone to be the Lunar Module Pilot on the final landing, what will you say?

Abbey: Jack Schmitt!

Costello: This is NASA - you've got to say something! Arrgh, that'll do it for me. I've a mind to tell you to put up your dukes!

Abbey: No, Duke's up on 16

Costello: Oh, good heavens!

Abbey: Yes - Apollo 17 CMP

Costello: Great Bloody Scott!